She Wasn't Nothing
by LordXwee
Summary: Spoilers for 4x09 "The Shape of Things to Come." An insight of Ben's thoughts and feelings. "'You weren't nothing to me,' Ben whispered, 'You were everything.'" Rated T for safety.


**Well, after seeing 4x09, I really wanted to do another Ben oneshot about his thoughts. It's a step to getting away from my writer's block. I hope you enjoy! :D**

* * *

Was it really his fault? That was the only thought racing through his mind at the moment. He didn't physically pull the trigger, Keamy did. Widmore had sent these people, he should have at least told them about the rules. That's why he felt safe and went the risky route of his usual lies, but Keamy was a mercenary. He killed without care. He should've at least known the rules of this game first.

Ben tried to keep himself at a fast pace so he wouldn't keep Locke waiting too long, but it was hard. Millions of different scenarios played through his head of what he could've done. He could've went outside, but then they would've blown up the house. He could've got someone to shoot Keamy, but one of his men would've killed Alex after that. Maybe his idea was the only choice.

It wasn't, Ben told himself, there could've been at least something else.

The monster was killing all of Keamy's men at the moment. That was something he felt a bit of relief about, for they deserved it. That wasn't enough revenge for him though. Widmore didn't care for his men, he could hire more. He had a daughter that Ben could seek out later. Just for a little payback.

Grief flooded him as he dropped near Alex's body. Hopefully she understood that he lied about using her as a pawn. Ben never told her about Widmore, so maybe she didn't understand. That was what felt the worst as he gently turned her onto her back. Who wants to hear "She's nothing to me," from their father before they die?

Her eyes were open and her expression was anything but peaceful. Why did his hands have to be so dirty when he shut her eyes? The monster just had to be the only thing to chase away the bad guys. With her eyes closed, her expression didn't look much different, it still seemed of shock. The same thing he felt what seemed like long ago.

He kissed her forehead, not thinking of the blood he lightly tasted. The monster quieted.

Then, he cried. It was an odd feeling. He hadn't cried in a long time. Not even when he pulled the pin and killed his father. He could've smiled at that. Not even when looking at the bodies after the Purge. He barely had a relationship with any of them. Widmore had killed her through Keamy. That's all he tried to think about. It was Widmore, not him. Ben knew turning this into anger wasn't the best thing at the moment, but maybe it would get him to stop crying.

The others couldn't see him in his state of weakness.

They think he's heartless, and they can continue that thought. None of them cared about him. Sawyer said he would even hand him over. No one believed he could have any form of emotion. Ben even believed that of himself for some periods of time until now. Everything had changed.

"You weren't nothing to me," Ben whispered, "You were everything."

Ben got up and rubbed the tears from his eyes. It was dark, they wouldn't be able to see him that much. He staggered off into the direction Locke and his lessened amount of people went. He could get Alex later.

* * *

"What was that about?" Jacob asked. Christian looked at his companion. The two were distinctly different. Jacob had powers beyond imagine on his little island, but he had never left it. Christian on the other hand had been in real life, and been a real person.

"His daughter died, so he's upset," Christian explained. Jacob also didn't know much about emotions, or why people had them. That's why he had seen Ben as so special.

"You haven't been here as long as I have," Jacob said, "Ben has always had a stoic expression."

"His daughter died," Christian repeated.

"He killed his father and didn't cry," Jacob retorted, laying back in his rocking chair.

"Maybe you should bring her back, like you did with John," Christian suggested.

"He can ask for it," Jacob replied, "That is, if he can find us again."

* * *

**I think Christian and Jacob are working together. Thanks for reading and please review. :)**


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